HOLDING ON TO IT BY THE THREADS

It is getting harder than I thought. I woke up in the morning and my fingers went to my phone hoping maybe he would have texted the night before. Only to be brought down to my feet and reality that it is never going to happen.

I went on with my day pretending things will get better. I even talked to a few guys from tinder, it was fun and good. But, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I couldn’t stop wishing that every time my phone buzzes it could be him. I couldn’t stop wondering that maybe just maybe he misses me too.

In all of this mess, I still had my family issues to worry about. I feel like the abandon puppy on the curb of sidewalk who had been hurt over and over.There is only so much my heart can take. There is only so much pain that I can endure.

Then to worsen it all, I think my best friend just gave up on me too. It isn’t her fault though, how long are we going to take part in someone else’s miseries and let go of the possibly beautiful life. But that very moment made me realise that, nobody is ever going to travel the whole journey with us.

There is going to be a day, where we stand at a dead end all alone and it is up to us to figure it out the closed maze. Family, friends, partner or anyone for that matter isn’t going to be there and it will hurt so much. But there isn’t going to be much time to stand and be sad anymore. We just pick up ourselves and move on.

Part of ourselves is probably ruined forever but maybe we were just meant to live with it. I am not upset or disappointed in these people who couldn’t stay any longer in my path, I just regret that it has come to this. I wish I had done things differently. I wish I am stronger than this. I could go on wishing the stars and moon, but nothing is going to happen.

As the days pass by, it just gets more real that this is my journey and nobody is ever going to be a constant in it. I will have to eventually learn on the variables which I once thought was my constants.

The worst feeling in the world is probably not someone giving up on but it is you giving up on yourself. And saying I am done. Please take me away, Lord.

P.S. I hope maybe tomorrow is a better day. And if it isn’t, at least make me stronger to deal with it.

SAY SOMETHING I’M GIVING UP ON ME

It is finally settling in, he walked away. There is no more us. Not that there was any before, but at least there was hope. Now, even that is gone. Like the dust in the wind,  blown away. Is it really worth it to hold that big of a grudge against me? I messed up but all in good thoughts.

Did he thought about me at least once today? Did he also picked up his phone and stared at it wishing I’d text him? Did he also compose a text for me but deleted it instead of hitting enter button? Did he look at our picture together to fill the empty space in his heart like I was doing?

Truth is I don’t know. BUT I know this much, I miss him and I’d make  the first move again but my fear got the better part of me. What if I did text him and he thinks that I am pestering or that I am obsessed with him? What if he thinks I am a creep? A gold digger who is after his money with no pride and dignity?

Can I live with that? No, absolutely not. Perhaps, I should have not done that. Perhaps I should have not bought his favourite blueberry cheesecake and matcha green tea for him and show up at his house. Maybe I should have just gone home straight instead of making that pit stop at his place? All these questions are haunting me.

I wish i had done things differently but again by doing so, am I being sincere to myself and my feelings? Writing this out in words makes me realise even more than I already have that he has been a big part of my life in a short period of time. But what hurts most is when I need him the most right now, he isn’t here. I am having anxiety attacks and the one person I truly want to console me isn’t even my friend anymore.

The man whom I shared my issues and worries, the man whom I thought cared about me is no longer someone who can console me and tell me everything is going to be okay. He isn’t here to make me laugh. Maybe this is meant to happen like this?

This is my journey after all, I will have to walk down this gloomy path alone because truth is never all rainbow and sugar. And nobody is ever that selfless to partake in other’s misery, what more when you don’t really care or know about that person…

All I can think of right now is blood, lots of blood and I’m just drowning in it. Ending the pain, but even then, I am such a coward to do that. I am tired of holding onto ‘someday’.

Someday a prince charming will come and whisk me away from all of these miseries or that someday all of these sufferings will come to an end. Truth is someday is never going to arrive and that is why it is called SOMEDAY.

I just wish that when someday it is my time to go, that day all of my miseries will come to an end. No more panic attacks, shorts breaths, non-stop tears or the self loathing. Just free fall feeling onto a pool of fluffy cottons carried away by cool breeze blowing through my luscious long hair. It will be the most beautiful sight,so beautiful that I would probably wish at that moment death found me sooner.

Trust OVER Love

They say it takes forever to build trust and just a moment to break it. She has always been the people pleaser. Hurting someone or breaking a promise or trusts is not something she would do, at least not consciously.

Yet, when the man of her life told her that she broken his trust. It felt like millions of rose thorns pricked through her heart. At a very slow rate making sure that she feels every thorn and the sound of disappointment.

She just wished that he would realised what she did was unintentional. Is it a crime to miss someone so much that showing up unannounced at their house is a crime? It is not like she stalked him, he willingly told her his details and whereabouts because he trusted her. He trusted her.

So maybe she did break his trust? She should have just quietly missed him in a corner of her room with a soft song playing in the background rather than taking things into hands and actually driving up to his house. Yeah.. so maybe it is her fault. He never liked her anyways to understand her feelings for him.

Well she was aware that he wasn’t going to be thrilled about her showing up unannounced. She knew that he will probably be very angry and upset but she definitely didn’t expect him to throw the words that would break her to her very core; breaking his trust was never her intention.

Today she lifts both her hands and brought them together praying to the Almighty, may she never break anyone’s trusts ever for as long as she lives, if that day does arrive, may the Angels take her with them before that happens.

To the man she fell for so deep that it hurts so much now, she is terribly sorry for breaking your trusts, in all honesty, she just missed you and was worried about you. Showing up at your place with your favourite food seemed like the most innocent gesture. Maybe her love was the suffocating type. She will set you free from all of this. She will leave, and may both your paths never cross again and that you find it in you someday to forgive her.

But again, what would he know, after all, they did meet on Tinder. It isn’t exactly a vintage love story. She was just another girl he swiped and he was just another guy. Poor girl, she didn’t even know she was head over heels with him, until the day he told her he was crushing on another girl and unknowingly a single tear escaped from her left eyes and rolled down her chubby cheeks. That day the truth hit her like a thunder that she has fallen for him and didn’t even know it.

So how could he possibly know any of this when she herself didn’t know at first. All she knows is that trusts broken can never be mended to be the same again. Maybe this is where they have to separate, leading down a different road. After all, how long can she go on being his friends pretending it is okay to like him quietly and pretend everything will be alright eventually.

This is for the best. Good Lord, the line, “This is for the best” must be like the ultimate understatement of the year, anything goes wrong, just throw in this line and expect everything to be alright.

Truth is, she is going to be really broken for the next few months, heart leaping with hope everything her Whastapp’s notification buzzes. But to only let her down again and again. It is okay though, eventually, one day she will wake up and realise he was her past. That is all, the past. And she will pick herself up and move on stronger and hopefully wiser from this experience. Maybe in future, when she misses someone because she loves them, she will learn to control it and learn to miss them in a lonely atmosphere rather than showing up at their doorstep with her million dollar smile.

Today she is broken. Completely broken and disappointed in her. Someday, I hope she rediscovers herself and move on.

Sometimes loving someone in our way may be harmful for them but does that then make us bad? Maybe it does if we ended up crossing our limits, what more, when the feelings aren’t even reciprocated in the first place. 

She is MEAN

“Don’t wear that, it makes you look ugly”

“Seriously, peanut butter for breakfast, might as well eat fats”

“He is only replying to you because he is nice. Stop bothering him already, you desperate slut”

“ You are deluded to think he would even consider to date you, have you seen yourself lately?”

“Come on, thats the best you can do at work, one compliment and you already performing average, typical human”

But… I am nice.

“Yea nice try, you overly dependent spineless b*tch”

She was mean, well still is but at least she is not as mean as she used to be. Previously she would harm me when i do something wrong. She thinks punishment is the only way I will learn. I never liked her and she knew that but that never stopped her from getting to me each and every time shit hits the roof.

Recently, I have been talking to this nice boy and he makes me laugh. I was so happy, but it didn’t last. I started moving away from him, I stopped texting him constantly. Each time I pick up my phone to send a simple ‘Hi’ or ‘Hows work so far?”, she will interfere. The countless time that she reminded me of what a fool i am to text him in the first place. A guy like that would never look at a girl like me. Never, as she so nicely put it. In fact, there was once she said this after i put down the phone from talking to him ; “Pathetic, you think you acting so cute and friendly is a charm? Pathetic. Pathetic is what it was.

Maybe she is right, i am after all just an average girl. Short, dark skinned, plump figure and with an acne issue and its not like my personality is any better. See what she does? she always manages to put me down despite me waking every morning feeling happy and pretty.

One glance at her and *POOF* it goes off like an alarm.

But you know what is even more annoying, she doesn’t stop just at my relationship. Lately, she has been constantly reminding me about what a bad employee I am. Yes, I am bait back on my schedule but that was  because I had too much extra work at office. I am catching up aren’t I? But, no. It is not enough according to her. She said that I am slacking off in my work. The nerve she has to complain but again, maybe I should have tried harder. Pushed myself harder despite the stress migraine I was going through. Or maybe I should have started bringing back my work and going in to  work on weekends too? I probably should right?

This is what she does. She never lets me lead a peaceful life. Always nagging at me and making me believe I am the worst kind of humankind. Also just recently I got out of a relationship and like most girl I told myself I did all I could, and it didn’t work out, I deserve someone who cares and loves me even at my worst ever possible. And you want to know what was her take on this?

“Do you even hear yourself? You want guys to chase you and treat you like princess and sweep off your feet? Woman, you are lucky if any guy even comes your way in the first place! Geez, get you head out of the gutter!”

Not very nice words of hers, but I will get over it eventually.

What I really hate about her is that she have made me already believe that I am always at wrong and that even when i joke or say something and if whatever i said isn’t very nice according to her, I have to apologise and explain myself to why I even said it in the first place. Can you believe it?

She forced me to the edge where I don’t really have an opinion and that my only choice are to always and always be nice to everyone even when the walk all over me.

But in the end like she always says, “You deserve it”.

Maybe someday she will vanish and I can finally lead a life that only I can have a say.

But I guess it may be hard, in fact to some extent may even be impossible,

Why, you ask?

I don’t have a choice but to stare at her every morning in the MIRROR, And thereon she latches on to me like a nightmare all day long destroying whatever tiny hope I build around me.

Anxiety and self judgement is not healthy but it isn’t exactly an easy thing to over come completely in one day. I have come so far from where I started. The mean reflection in mirror is still there but I can manage it to certain level. Do not judge others if you are not in their shoes.

A very humble request, never judge or see someone differently just because they are hard to be around and they may even seem out of place. We all are battling with our demon. Pass on some kindness each day because that is what makes it easier to go to bed with a smile after all that happened and wake up again to a beautiful day each time.

Kindness doesn’t cost but it goes long way. To all that suffering from anxiety and self depression issues, don’t give up. The world has more to offer. Sometimes you just have to keep changing the mirror until the right reflection stares back.

Secret-Addiction

Starbucks. Most people say it is expensive. But to me, definitely cheaper than what Victoria Secret is charging per cup! No denying that right?

16938927_10154102979892003_3739592378776449388_n.jpgEvery now and then, we walk past this guy who makes our heart go like it’s on a sudden roller coaster. It is a sudden spark. You can taste the imaginary sugary lips of his on your mouth. And like your whole body is on fire, you are suddenly pumped up! Then he is out of the sight and all that is left is the fuzzy warm exciting feeling in you.

And that is exactly how I feel when hot caramel macchiato enters my system. It awakens every single dead cell in me to alive. Almost like breaking the bored cell. Again imagine you are in history class and this drop dead gorgeous guy enters in your class, and suddenly your body is pumping more adrenalin to your head. And now suddenly history is your favourite subject ever. That is the kind of relationship I have with my caramel hot macchiato.

Can you imagine having audit class in the morning? That is like waking up and seeing Internet Explorer staring right in the face. But hey, worry not; I have something to act as firewall to deal with it. That’s right, my very own morning dose of caffeine!10322717_10151997671452003_6610131659691706698_n.jpg

So you might think I am crazy, who describes a drink like this anyway? Okay so if you are asking that, boy let me tell you. You are missing out in life! Nothing beats the feeling of warm macchiato slowly entering your throat and waking your dead soul up. Well unless you are kissing Tom Hiddleston of course, then this totally beats anything else. But come on, are you kissing him? No? Then we have a winner here (at least I do), Starbucks!

Oh and another reason I love Starbucks, who on earth does not enjoy the feeling when a cute guy compliments on your lovely name? Seriously! We all know that at Starbucks, they ask your name to be  written on the cups. I don’t know if they get paid more for extra compliments on our beautiful names. But I think they should or at least get my number!

Imagine you had the worst day; like  D-worst day and then you stop by Starbucks for a cup of coffee and this cute guy who attends to you then asks your name. Writes it on the cup and then looks at you and flashes his million dollars smile and tells you that you have an amazing name! Don’t you think you would die and go to Lala land instead of the crappy land you were in previously! Exactly my point!

16864547_10154102979202003_2422004795154047073_n.jpgALSO THEY HAVE THE CUTEST HOLIDAY THEMED CUPS DURING CHRISTMAS!

So this goes out to all wonderful people who never understand my obsession for Starbucks! Hey at least I am not obsessed with drugs!  Sure getting diabetes is no fun but it makes you feel less guilty I guess! Because it is legal to drink sugar then to sniff coke! Make love not war. But since this isn’t a love story, make coffee not ‘coke’.

 

P.S. the coke I referred to was the drug not the normal McD Coke/Coca-Cola. That Coca-Cola is totally safe and heavenly. Again that’s sugar, no harm (unless we talking diabetes then yes it is harmful!)! Know the difference people!

 

So what is your coffee story?  😉

IT’S A BOY THING?

Baby, I had a long day and I just want to vent. How often do we say this to our boyfriend with the hope he JUST listens but usually it turns out to be a full blown conversation with him commenting on everything you say.

no-i-dont-want-you-to-draw-any-conclusion-i-want-you-to-listen-to-what-i-just-said-quote-1.jpg

Let it me break it down boys, when we say we want to JUST vent, it really does mean we just want to vent where you don’t have to have a reply or answer. How amazing that is on your part, I mean think about it, your girlfriend comes to you and vents her heart out, all you do is listen and ta-da she is happy. Technically you don’t have to do anything and she is happy. Now, this is the only time EVER you don’t have to do absolutely anything  but listen and you will make her happy, yet you blew it off. Seriously?

I think from experience, it is safe to say that you boys feel like it is a need or must to reply or even solve the problem for us. Look, if I needed  a reality check and an answer, I would have gone to a shrink. You are the boyfriend, just stay as one. If you must say something, please at least wait till we are done. Nobody likes to be disturbed when we are in the flow.

But don’t get me wrong, I think its sweet that you try to help us, but sometimes listening itself is a help, so lets not push it, shall we? I have heard guys saying this before though, ‘maybe you complain too much, he is just a guy, ya’know’ . Well you can at least pretend you’re listening, we don’t judge. After all some guys fake the whole relationship, how hard is it to pretend to listen to us?

I think this issue had to be addressed because honestly its starting to get scary, how guys takes things personal. I mean it is my problem in the end, you really don’t have to sit in a corner cracking your head for a solution. Sometimes there is never  a solution. Maybe it is a BOY THING to do, that you need to try and solve everything but perhaps you can lay back on this one, yea?women-dont-like-advice-they-dont-want-you-to-fix-their-problems-they-just-want-you-to-listen-quote-1.jpg

Also i know how annoying it is when you’re stuck listening to your girl about the same problem over and over and you have probably suggested solutions to her before but here is a thing, girls can be difficult as ‘F’ but thats our own pain in the ass that we chose to deal with. And naturally you are also stuck suffering from it, but hey nobody said love was easy. Sometimes all we want is to be able to vent it out loud and take it off the chest, to be able to be happy and have a good evening with you afterwards.

In all honestly, boys, we (at least I) don’t mind if you don’t really listen to us, pretending is good enough at times. Its the comfort we get, knowing someone is just listening because he cares that makes all worries go away and making us feel better.

So next time, if your girl said she wants to vent, just let her vent all her heart out, don’t interrupt. Wait till she is done, say a sentence or two regarding the topic, then cuddle with her with some ice cream and talk about the most random stuff in the world. (It may not always work, but I’d say 7/10 times it would).

See its really not that hard to please your girl, so stop complicating it. #JUSTLISTEN

P.S We will ALWAYS love you, but we will love you more if you would just stop interrupting us when we’re in the venting mode  🙂