She is MEAN

“Don’t wear that, it makes you look ugly”

“Seriously, peanut butter for breakfast, might as well eat fats”

“He is only replying to you because he is nice. Stop bothering him already, you desperate slut”

“ You are deluded to think he would even consider to date you, have you seen yourself lately?”

“Come on, thats the best you can do at work, one compliment and you already performing average, typical human”

But… I am nice.

“Yea nice try, you overly dependent spineless b*tch”

She was mean, well still is but at least she is not as mean as she used to be. Previously she would harm me when i do something wrong. She thinks punishment is the only way I will learn. I never liked her and she knew that but that never stopped her from getting to me each and every time shit hits the roof.

Recently, I have been talking to this nice boy and he makes me laugh. I was so happy, but it didn’t last. I started moving away from him, I stopped texting him constantly. Each time I pick up my phone to send a simple ‘Hi’ or ‘Hows work so far?”, she will interfere. The countless time that she reminded me of what a fool i am to text him in the first place. A guy like that would never look at a girl like me. Never, as she so nicely put it. In fact, there was once she said this after i put down the phone from talking to him ; “Pathetic, you think you acting so cute and friendly is a charm? Pathetic. Pathetic is what it was.

Maybe she is right, i am after all just an average girl. Short, dark skinned, plump figure and with an acne issue and its not like my personality is any better. See what she does? she always manages to put me down despite me waking every morning feeling happy and pretty.

One glance at her and *POOF* it goes off like an alarm.

But you know what is even more annoying, she doesn’t stop just at my relationship. Lately, she has been constantly reminding me about what a bad employee I am. Yes, I am bait back on my schedule but that was  because I had too much extra work at office. I am catching up aren’t I? But, no. It is not enough according to her. She said that I am slacking off in my work. The nerve she has to complain but again, maybe I should have tried harder. Pushed myself harder despite the stress migraine I was going through. Or maybe I should have started bringing back my work and going in to  work on weekends too? I probably should right?

This is what she does. She never lets me lead a peaceful life. Always nagging at me and making me believe I am the worst kind of humankind. Also just recently I got out of a relationship and like most girl I told myself I did all I could, and it didn’t work out, I deserve someone who cares and loves me even at my worst ever possible. And you want to know what was her take on this?

“Do you even hear yourself? You want guys to chase you and treat you like princess and sweep off your feet? Woman, you are lucky if any guy even comes your way in the first place! Geez, get you head out of the gutter!”

Not very nice words of hers, but I will get over it eventually.

What I really hate about her is that she have made me already believe that I am always at wrong and that even when i joke or say something and if whatever i said isn’t very nice according to her, I have to apologise and explain myself to why I even said it in the first place. Can you believe it?

She forced me to the edge where I don’t really have an opinion and that my only choice are to always and always be nice to everyone even when the walk all over me.

But in the end like she always says, “You deserve it”.

Maybe someday she will vanish and I can finally lead a life that only I can have a say.

But I guess it may be hard, in fact to some extent may even be impossible,

Why, you ask?

I don’t have a choice but to stare at her every morning in the MIRROR, And thereon she latches on to me like a nightmare all day long destroying whatever tiny hope I build around me.

Anxiety and self judgement is not healthy but it isn’t exactly an easy thing to over come completely in one day. I have come so far from where I started. The mean reflection in mirror is still there but I can manage it to certain level. Do not judge others if you are not in their shoes.

A very humble request, never judge or see someone differently just because they are hard to be around and they may even seem out of place. We all are battling with our demon. Pass on some kindness each day because that is what makes it easier to go to bed with a smile after all that happened and wake up again to a beautiful day each time.

Kindness doesn’t cost but it goes long way. To all that suffering from anxiety and self depression issues, don’t give up. The world has more to offer. Sometimes you just have to keep changing the mirror until the right reflection stares back.

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